How Stein Stole Christmas
by LeaxoftheUnderworld
Summary: The classic story of the grinch...but with a twist. Inspired by the Watchmen parody by /co/


**A/N**: Did you really think I was done for the year?

* * *

><p><span>How Stein Stole Christmas<span>

Everyone,

Down in Death City,

Liked Christmas Alot.

But Stein,

Who lived in a twisted laboratory,

Did NOT!

Stein hated Christmas! The Whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his screw bolt was too tight.

It could be, perhaps, that his stitches weren't quite right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his sanity levels were two sizes too small.

But,

Whatever the reason,

His sanity or his stitching.

He stood there on Christmas Eve, insanely twitching.

Out of his window, he gave a curled trademark grin,

At the reaper with OCD, who treated little things as a sin.

For he knew every meister and weapon,

In Death City Below,

Would come to him with open arms,

And he'd snap, his way of saying "No".

"And I'd zap them with lightning," Stein said with a sneer,

"For tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"

And he laughed, his stitched fingers nervously drumming,

"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"

For, tomorrow he knew...

...All the sane girls and boys.

Would spring bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!

And then. Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

That's something Stein's mind couldn't take. The Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

Then the folk, young and old,

Would sit down to a feast.

And they'd feast! And they'd feast!

And they'd feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!

They'd cut into their food, experimentation ceased.

Which was something Stein couldn't stand in the least.

And THEN!

They'd do something he liked least of all.

Every meister and weapon, the tall and the small,

Would gather together, the weapon forms flashing,

Like an open coliseum, they'd all start their lashing!

They'd lash! And they'd lash!

And they'd lash! Lash! Lash! Lash!

And the more Stein thought of this whole battle scene,

He saw the world crumbling, the kishin getting closer in between.

"Why, for thirty-five years, I've put up with it now,"

"I must stop Christmas from coming!"

"...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea.

An awful idea.

STEIN GOT

A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Stein cackled in his throat.

And he made a quick Shinigami skull mask and coat.

And he snipped and he marked, 'till he ran out of breath,

"With this coat and this mask, I'll look just like Lord Death!"

"All I need is the Death Scythe,"

And Stein looked around.

But since red-haired perverted weapons are scarce, there were none to be found.

Did that stop the crazy professor...?

No, he simply said,

"If I can't find Spirit, I'll use Marie instead."

So he called his ex Marie. Then he took some red and black glaze,

And he painted jagged patterns onto her knew long blade.

THEN

He loaded some bags,

And was ready to leave.

Out onto the cobbled roads,

He dragged poor Marie.

Then Stein cackled happily,

And the two were _almost_ sleigh bound,

Where the meisters and weapons

Lay a-snooze in their town.

All the windows were dark,

Wake them up if you dare.

The people will rise, weapon partner in the air.

When he came to the first house in the square.

"This is stop number one," The fake reaper hissed.

Then he climbed up the wall, fake scythe in his fist.

He crashed through the window,

The glass scattered about.

"Well at least I'll have an easy way out."

He bled just slightly, wiped it from his face,

Then he through the glass to the street, cleaning the place.

The little scraggly stockings all hung in a row,

"These stockings," Stein thought, "Are the first things to go!"

Then he crept against the wall, a chuckle most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, he took every last present.

Blade polish! Hair things! Little felt stars!

Fake souls! Wall scrolls! And every last thing in a jar!

Then he stuffed them in bags, Stein had no ounce of pity,

Threw them out the broken window, to the streets of Death City!

Then Stein slunk to the Ice box, and rumaged inside,

And he disected the rare finch, with scientific pride.

He threw everything away, without any haste.

Why, Stein even took their disposed waste!

Then he threw everything out the window with glee!

"And now," Stein said, "I will electrocute the tree!"

And Stein picked up Marie, tapped the mallet to a sprig,

When he heard a small sound, and feared the worst, small and big.

Standing before him, a girl tall and lean,

Young Tsubaki, a weapon, who was no more than fourteen.

Stein had been caught by this level one student

But he kept calm, his expression imprudent.

Tsubaki stared at Stein and said, "Lord Death, why,

"Why are you destroying our Christmas tree? Why?"

But you know the professor was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!

"Why my dear enchanted sword," he said, sweet as tea,

"My son has requested a favor of me."

"So don't bother cutting in front of this hammer,"

"Once I make it symmetrical, we'll put an end to this jabber."

Stein covered himself well. And the next thing he did,

He led Tsubaki away, still unsure of Death's fib.

He gave her a gift, to bribe away the doubt,

A portable scalpel, which made her slightly pout.

The tree was nothing but ashes,

Stein gave Marie a wink.

And before heading onwards,

He took the pills by the sink.

Out the window he went,

Leaving just a few things.

The carpeted floor,

And a burnt postcard from Colorado Springs.

Then he did it again,

Wash, rinse, and repeat.

The city was swept clean,

Stein in no kind of heat.

It was a quarter to dawn...

All the meisters still at rest.

All the weapons still asleep,

Stein ran away at his best.

Along with their presents! The beneath table gum!

The ribbons! The trimmings! And every last crumb!

Three thousand feet up, atop the DWMA,

He could vision their faces, after he'd dump it today!

"Those sane to embrace it," Stein was instabley humming,

"They're just finding out that no Christmas is coming!"

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"

""Their mouths will hang open a minute or two!"

"Then the meisters and weapons will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," Stein sneered,

"Only I can inhale!"

And he lent out an ear, awaiting a whale.

And he did here a sound, rising over the snow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But this sound wasn't sad!

Why, this sound sounded cheery.

It couldn't be so!

Stein thought, ears covered and weary.

He stared down at Death City,

With one wide open eye.

What made him shake more,

Was a pleasant surprise!

Every meister and weapon, the tall and the small,

Were singing and dueling, with no presents at all.

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming,

IT CAME!

Somehow or other it came just the same!

And Stein, with his body wrapped around a candle in snow

Was puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so?"

"It came without polish! It came without blades!"

"It came without sharpeners, bullets, or battling aids?"

And he pondered three hours, 'till his head grew more sore.

Then Stein thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "Isn't an experimenting chore."

"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?

Down in Death City they say,

That Stein's small sanity levels,

Grew THREE Sizes that day!

And the minute his mind wasn't jumbled and crazy,

He rushed down the academy, his thoughts no longer hazy.

He brought back the gifts! And the feast in a synch!

And he...

...HE Himself...

Stein finished cutting up the rare finch.


End file.
